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The Top Ten Reasons I Hate Wine - Four, I Cant Get The Bottle Opened
Some of you may know me from my wine article series “I Love Italian Wine and Food, ” similar French and German series, and travel articles that always manage to discuss local wine and food. It’s true; I really do love wine and food from Italy, France, Germany, and other countries as well. But I also hate wine and many aspects of the wine scene. Let me explain my top ten reasons for this love-hate relationship. Previous articles discussed the unconscionable expense, the embarrassing lack of knowledge, and no wine cellar. Now I am looking at one of my favorite, should I say unfavorite reasons: I can’t get the … bottle opened.
I have to confess that I am a bit of a klutz. Actually they once held a contest for klutziness and I was eliminated in the qualifying round. The judges muttered something under their breath. I think I heard “Unfair competition” and “Give the others a chance”.
I am the proud owner of a faux silver-plated sommelier’s (wine steward’s) bottle opener. Actually, I had two of these marvelous contraptions, but was lucky enough to misplace one of them. But this dagnabbed contraption just doesn’t work; at least not for me. I have come THIS close to slicing my fingers off, where the word THIS stands for a quarter of a millimeter, or more realistically the size of the dot on this i. So I use a non-professional wine bottle opener that gouges a hole in the cork almost the size of my neighbor’s swimming pool. I’ve actually grown to appreciate a bit of cork in the wine. It gives that “Je ne sais quoi” taste. Don’t even think about getting me to open a Champagne bottle. Our lodgings walls host permanent reminders of each and every one of our Champagne-toasted events. I am waiting for the day that Champagne comes in a drink box.
Would you believe it, sometime after writing the first draft of this article I managed to break my beautiful little sommelier’s bottle opener? However, as luck would have it the bottle didn’t break. I found an alternate method to open the bottle and savor the wine. (And a little cork.)
Here are the other reasons that I hate wine, to be explored shortly: The insomnia, Food problems, Wine snobs, Those smells and those tastes, Those colors, Home brew, One more problem and yes, The Solution.
Levi Reiss has authored or co-authored ten books on computers and the Internet, but to be honest, he would rather just drink fine Italian, French, or other wine, accompanied by the right foods. He teaches classes in computers at an Ontario French-language community college. He knows what dieting is, and is glad that for the time being he can eat and drink what he wants, in moderation. His central website is www.wineinyourdiet.com devoted to the health and nutritional aspects of wine and its place in your weight-loss program. His global wine website is www.theworldwidewine.com. Visit his other websites devoted to Italian wine, Italian travel, and Italian food.
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